Nightmares Lived
by shipperscifi
Summary: SG-1 walk through the 'Gate into a timeloop from hell...
1. Chapter 1

The call went out, "incoming wormhole... receiving signal... It's SG1 Sir!" "Open the iris!"

The grating sound echoed round the gateroom as the Gernal hurried down the stairs, the guards by the doors snapping to attention as he passed. The watery pool of blue light rippled and shimmered as four figures, one after the other stepped through the event horizon, making their way despondently down the metal ramp, stopping in front of the SGC's Commanding Officer.

The General quickly glanced over his flagship team. They were all walking, that was a good sign, but they had numerous bruises, cuts and their fatigues were torn, equipment obviously missing, but they had their guns and their GDO's strapped to their forearms. Good.

The Colonel brought his arm up in a tired salute as did Major Carter. "Sir, permission to report to the informary and get cleaned up before we debrief. We... need a little time Sir..."

Frowning, wandering what happened to them, but seeing their state of grief and confusion he stepped aside. "Permission granted Colonel, report to Dr Frasier, debriefing in two hours." It was an hour longer than he normally gave them, but they looked like they needed it.

Nodding, the four walked past him and out of the large metal doorway to the infirmary.

An hour later a knock was heard on the General's office door. "Enter!" And the door opened to admit Dr Frasier, looking fairly bright given her recent leave, but worried. She carried a report file under her arm.

"General. I have finished with SG1, here is my report." "Do you have any idea what happened on that planet Doctor?"

"No Sir, they didn't talk about it at all, which is unusual, they normally engage in some conversation, but each of them appeared to be preoccupied. Their physcial injuries are not major, mainly cuts and bruises, its their emotional state I'm concerned with. I'm not sure what happened on that planet, but I'd like to recommend a session with Dr MacKenzie, pending further information of course."

"Of course, thank you doctor."

"You're welcome Sir. I'll be my office if you need me."

They sat in one of the small common rooms dotted around the base. A coffee machine stood in one corner, a video and tv in another. There were chairs and a table scattered around. It was simplistic, but their quarters were too small to all sit there together, and right now, they were not keen to let each other out of their sights.

T'ealc sat to one side of the table, hands folded together, staring at the grey top; it almost matched the pallor on Sam's face as she took a similar posture and looked at the wall, her eyes wide and upset. Jack, his expression indecipherable, stared up at the wall, his eyes flicking occasionally to his team mates, just to make sure they were still there. Daniel was slumped forward, his expression a picture of misery, he had just encountered something he didn't want to explore, and that prospect was almost as bad as the experience itself had been.

It was Sam who spoke first, not moving from her position, or looking at anyone, but they knew who she was talking to just the same, even without the name. "I'm sorry Jack." It was rare she used his first name, and almost never on base, but the recent shock overrode any suprise, hearing his first name from her helped Jack to relax ever so slightly. He replied slowly, as if unsure what to say.

"It's... ok Sam. You needed... to make sure..." The memory rose slightly and touched her mind, causing an almost imperceptible shudder to run through her body. Reaching out Jack laid a hand on her arm. Just a simple touch, to reassure and confirm that the memory wasn't real. Not any more.

Daniel cleared his throat. "I want to..."

"Don't go there Danny. you weren't to know," Jack cut in.

"But-"

"Leave it. It's over now. We'll have to tell Hammond and type up our reports. We should get it all done and over with today."

T'ealc interrupted then. "Colonel O'Neill. Will we be allowed a leave of absence. I sorely feel the need to behold my wife and son."

"No problem T'ealc. I'll get it cleared with Hammond. What about you Danny?"

"I think I'll stay on base, hang around with Janet, or you two. Maybe spend some time with Cassie."

Jack nodded, the conversation over. He didn't ask Sam, he didn't need to, neither did he need to hear her reply. None of them did, they had seen it already. After a while Jack glanced at the clock. "Time to go campers..." But his voice lacked it's usual enthusiasm; they understood, and were grateful.

The General looked up at the clock, and aroudn at the ashen faces of SG1. They had had enough, and they still had reports to write yet. Jack had already explained they wanted to get everything done today, get everything put past them.

"OK people. One last thing, Dr Frasier has recommended that you talk to MacKenzie..." He didn't get any further, nor did he really expect to, Jack, as anticipated, immediately spoke out, loudly.

"No Sir General Hammond!"

"Hang on son, I wasn't finished."

Jack looked at him for a moment, then sank back into his chair. "Sorry sir."

"As I was saying, that was Dr Frasier's recommendation, pending further information about your mission. Under the circumstances I think it would be a mistake for you to talk to him." He almost heard the sigh of relief go around the table, MacKenzie was one of the best, but no one can be educated and trained in off-world psychology. The SG teams faced difficulties every day and experienced situations that scenarios simply hasn't been envisioned for.

"But, I will be keeping a close eye on you, and the incident will be mentioned to him when you go for your regular psych evalution. If I see any problems I won't hesitate to schedule you all appointments with him."

The mood of the room turned a shade darker. "Yessir," came several, nearly inaudible voices, knowing it was the best deal they were going to get.

"Alright people, you are on five days downtime. Dismissed!"

For the next few days, anyone in search of a member of SG1 would not find a sign of T'ealc, him having left a few days before to visit his family in their new home.

The others could be seen in Sam's lab; Daniel Jackson examaining an artifact from a trolley he had wheeled in from his own lab, tapping occasionally into the laptop from home. Jack O'Neill spent his time slowly typing up a backlog of reports on the main computer terminal, stopping sometimes to watch Sam or Daniel, and listen to the technobabble and discussions of ancient history between them; or he would simply sit and read. Sam tinkered with a few pet projects, tapped into her laptop, and looked up occasionally, as the others did, eyes flicking to their team mates.

Sometimes, Sam and Jack would sit next to each other, him watching as she dealt with some gizmo or another. Sometimes their hands would touch, or sides would brush as they maneuvered around Sam's lab. Sometimes they would all look up and share a glance. And sometimes, a voice would call out in the night, and they would meet in the common room, the first one there always making three cups of coffee, and later, four. And, slowly, the nightmares began to recede.

On the last night they gathered at Jack's house, the backyard grill lit, steaks cooking, and beer flowing. Sam and Jack stood close together, the others watched and knew that the nightmares were finally over, and the waiting could begin again, in reassurance, and in hope.

They looked up at the night sky as glasses clinked and fleeting faded memories rose and fell of time loops and pain and tears and silence and death. They felt the wamth of each other's presence as they looked up at the night sky and smiled at the thought of rejoining the stars.


	2. Chapter 2

We had stepped through the wormhole onto a bright, sunny planet. The ground was covered in thick vegetation and bushes and trees abounded. the climate was a little humid, but you can't have everything I guess. The platform the gate stood on was the same as always, what wasn't the same though were the glyphs carved into the rocky steps.

I jumped down for a closer look, yep, they were there on the sides too. I lifted a hand to loosen my shoulder straps, keen to get out my camera and notebook, but Jack's voice, as always, interrupted my dreams.

"Daniel! C'mon, we're hunting for natives, plenty of time to play with rocks later."

Why is it he always makes that sounds as if I'm playing tiddlywinks with pebbles? Or jack stones? 'Jack stones', I grinned, it was an old, old game, for an old, old man. Petty I guess, but I needed some vengeance from being pulled away from my vocation on such a regular basis. And I know for a fact he takes some sort of sadistic pleasure in doing this to me.

Still, the day and the place were nice, good for a stroll, and I might find other 'rocks' yet. Grinning still, I had followed my team into the thick green foliage, and into an ambush.

I didn't see a thing, that first time round and I barely felt it either when I was hit by the blast of a staff weapon. I remember falling, the blue sky wheeling above me, but there was pain, or perhaps I have no memory of pain. All I know is that when I opened my eyes again, instead of the bright white lights of the infirmary above me, I was standing upright and staring round at that beautiful planet again.

The steps beneath my feet sported the same glyphs and, as I jumped down, an eerie feeling crawled its way up my spine and lodged cold fingers in my head. I'd jumped down here before and I could hear Jack's voice trail off as he began his speech about 'looking for natives' .

I think we found them Jack, and I don't think they appreciated it much.

I don't know how many times I died. I remember running hands over my chest and rubbing my throat. I remember Sam and Jack checking to make sure we were all real and whole, several times over. I remember Jack getting angrier and angrier, and T'ealc becoming more and more disturbed by the course of events. Towards the end there, I think I was losing it.

I've never met a culture I wanted to annihilate before, but I wanted to, briefly, way down deep inside, to kill them all before they had another shot at us again.

But it didn't happen that way.

I remember Jack and I diving through the wormhole, leaving Sam and T'ealc, broken and dead, behind us.

I remember crying.

And I remember stepping back onto the stone steps with their graven pictures and seeing Sam and T'ealc there, beside me, alive and whole.

I wanted to scream.

We made it back of course, I guess we always do eventually. But this experience has shaken me in a way no other trip has ever done before. I've seen my team mates die, over and over again.

And I know they, and I, are not indestructible.

I always though I had accepted the possibility of their loss, or my own death. But I haven't, not at all, not even a little. I know that as I wake with a cry in night.

And, when I hear the soft steps in the hallway and the knock on the door, I know I'm not the only one.

Time heals. I've always believed that. And it has, even though its only been a week. If one of us had been brought back dead, if we hadn't been lucky enough to leave together, whole and alive...

I'm not sure there's enough time in the whole universe for that.

Sam thinks we broke out by returning the way we entered, all together. She added, as an afterthought, that, dead or alive, it probably wouldn't have mattered, just so long as all of us left together. We've been working on theories of what caused it and how to stop it, working with what little information we have and what I can remember of the glyphs.

It's entirely possible that the natives had been, and still are, going through that loop over and over again for years, centuries even. Maybe they remember too. maybe that's why they killed us. After all, if none of them were responsible, and four strangers pop up out of nowhere, who are you going to blame?

I shouldn't blame them, I shouldn't.

But I think, maybe I do.

Beer's cold, meat's hot and the summer evening is cool enough to wear a shirt on the porch. Sam and Jack are sitting down across from me and as I raise my bottle in return to their gesture, and T'ealc's rather wooden version of a toast, I feel the last of the tension leave me.

Jack, I know, will never truly forgive them and Sam, well, I doubt she's thought about blaming them too much. T'ealc, you know him, he'd never waste his time on such a pointless activity.

The smoke rises from the grill to the silent stars above and I find myself watching them with anticipation.

Perhaps I do blame them.

But I'm only human, and I can't ask anymore of myself really, than to understand why. I look back down at Sam and Jack.

And I think I know why.


	3. Chapter 3

I believe it was the result of another time altering device. Possibly left by the ancients and misused by the natives, causing the timeloop we observed, or rather, experienced. The study opportunities that the Stargate program has given me have been so much more than any I would have got at NASA. But, despite the ramifications that this type of experiment could lead too, and the opportunity to study such technology, I find myself reluctant to consider returning to the planet and trying to locate the device.

I cannot say that I am surprised, I'm not. The timeloop we experienced was nothing like that which T'ealc and the Colonel had gone through. The most stressful thing they encountered was the tedium of having to explain everything to everyone every ten hours; and painfully slowly extracting some meaning from Daniel's translations to put together the story of what was happening to them.

Ultimately I'm not sure if it was a 'timelooping' device. When we left the planet, we didn't start the loop again, or perhaps it's field only extended around the planet itself? Certainly the last device only affected a portion of gate linked worlds. The possibilities really, are many, but for once, the work can wait.

What we endured, yes, endured, was far worse than T'ealc and Jack's timeloops. I don't think in all my life I have seen my own nightmares come to life in such terrifying detail; and I do not want to experience that again. Despite my desire to help the people on that planet, and they must be a way; I don't want to return. I'll just have to find another way to help them. Even now I still shake when I remember those last few minutes before we made it through the 'gate, just in case we were a second or two too late.

I could taste the blood, salty in my mouth. My leg stung and somewhere back there I had dropped my pack, along with the others. I stumbled, the Colonel grabbing my arm, keeping me going even as he limped, his knee obviously hurting him. Daniel was ahead of us, with T'ealc bringing up the rear, turning periodically to scan the bushes. I heard the steely sounds as Daniel punched in the symbols, and the Stargate filled with light, rippling in front of us as shouts and crashing from the bushes could be heard from behind.

With a speed born of desperation we began running faster, forgetting the pain and the physical damage as we sped past Daniel, T'ealc right behind us. I reached out, folding my fingers around Daniel's arm, the Colonel holding a fistful of material of my jacket. From the corner of my eye I saw him reach back and I think T'ealc latched onto him. Joined, we dashed up the steps and into the event horizon, unwilling to leave anyone behind, even for a second.

Breathless, we appeared on the ramp in the 'gateroom, the metal echoing under our boots. The light was very bright and I squinted, relief flooding through me to be home; yet I was shaking with the adrenaline and fear from our experience beyond the Stargate. General Hammond stood at the botto of the ramp and I couldn't make out anyone in the darker control room as I lifted a tired hand in salute.

I heard Colonel O'Neill ask the General for some time to rest and clean up before debriefing. He gave permission and, as one, we filed out of the gateroom and down into the Infirmary.

Janet shone a light into my eye and I shied away automatically. I'm normally good with physicals, less fuss means they get done quicker, and if there is something wrong, the more you co-operate the more you'll find out. I don't think Colonel O'Neill shares my philosophy, I can hear him complaining from the other side of the room.

"Well, you seem fine. Anything you want to tell me?"

"Like what?"

"You're talkative today. Like how you sustained those cuts and bruises. You're pretty beat up Sam, though none of it serious."

"We came under fire when we went through the 'gate Janet. we got out, we came home. End of story."

"Hmmm. Ok, lie down and rest for a while, I'll send a nurse over to run a few tests and then you're free to go."

I nod. I don't want to speak really, let alone argue with her. I lie back on the bed, grateful for the comfort a mattress and a few sheets provide. I let out a breath and concentrate on relaxing, listening to the low sounds of the infirmary around me. It's over Sam, it's over...

I can hear the crashing through the bushes behind me. My pack is heavy and the cut in my shoulder makes it more so. I stumble, ripping my pants, and leaving a patchwork of shallow scratches on my skin. My hair is plastered to my face, and I feel like I haven't slept in days. To the left I see the Colonel, with Daniel just behind him crouch by a rock. Scanning the area, he rises slightly, staying alert, weapon raised. Daniel stays low, watching the bushes. He's not military, but sometimes you wouldn't know it.

I see him then, the light skinned man with gray clothing. He raises an odd looking weapon and takes aim. Every thing seems to slow, I rise to my feet, calling out to him as I do so. It's not enough, I can see that already, even as I begin to move toward them, I can see I'm too late. The blast takes Jack in the shoulder, spinning him round as he squeezes the trigger on his gun, even as he falls. The second shot takes him in the chest, and I can see by the way he moves that he's dead before he hits the ground. I reach his body as the second and then the third natives rise from their places, surrounding us.

His eyes are vacant, his chest torn, and I kneel by his body, placing a futile hand against his throat. He's gone, I knew that already, but I checked automatically, my mind still trying to grip the fact that the indestructible Colonel O'Neill is dead. I hear a voice calling his name, stress and sadness giving it an edge. I realise its me. I hear another sound, and I spin on one knee, raising my gun, aiming at the man who has his weapon now trained on Daniel. Behind me more shots go off, and I know T'ealc is either dead or fighting his way to us. The second blast takes Daniel in the throat, and I watch his limp body slide down the rock as the weapon is turned on me, and I pull the trigger on my own gun.

His body shakes with the impact of my bullets; but he is not alone here, and as far as I know I am. Someone to the side of me takes their shot, and I fell a burning pain spread through my chest and down one side. I feel myself falling as the world spins and beings to darken. Jack stares vacantly into the sky beside me and I left my hand to close his eyes. But my limbs won't respond; the blackness closes in...

I wake screaming, tangled in the bed sheets. I'm in my quarters, and the calm grey walls and muted light serve to contrast with the content of my nightmares. I hear steps in the hallway and a soft tap on my door before whoever it was moves on. I lift a shaky hand to run through my hair, but touch my wet cheeks instead. I breathe slowly, and eventually I rise, pulling my pants on and a black t-shirt. Slipping out of the door, I pad down the hallway and into the common room.

Inside, the same grey surrounds me, and I see the Colonel sitting at the neutral coloured table in a matching chair. In front of him are two cups of coffee, his hands wrapped around a third. He looks up and smiles wearily, gesturing a seat. I take the chair next to him, gratefully pulling the coffee towards me. He turns and stretches his legs out beside me as Daniel appears in the doorway and moves forward to take the seat on the other side of me. Between them they have me boxed in. It's a gesture of protection, and although I'm a big girl now, I'm happier with it than without. We did something similar for Daniel last night.

We sip coffee and we smile at each other reassuringly, sharing the silence. T'ealc will be back tomorrow, and, hopefully, we won't have need of four cups of coffee. But I doubt it.

It's almost over now, I can feel it ebbing away. I still have dreams, but they are vaguer now, less troublesome. The steaks cooking on Jack's backyard grill smell good and for the first time in nearly a week I am genuinely hungry. A cold beer is in my hands and I lean against a wooden post supporting the porch. The Colonel wanders over, flipping the steaks and then taking up position next to me. I can feel his warmth through my jumper and his shirt. He raises his bottle and grins at me, clinking it gently against mine. I smile and lean back with a sigh, looking up at the stars glimmering in the clear night sky.

Daniel is sitting on the porch steps, leaning against the railing. He looks up at us, raising his bottle too, and smiling at us. T'ealc looks grave and indecipherable as always, but his demeanour is more relaxed than it has been in days. You need to know him to see the difference.

There's a mission tomorrow, a new planet to visit,new things to discover. If we're lucky there may be technology to trade, I'd like another project to work on. My smile widens, and I can sense the relaxed state of my team mates around me. Tomorrow I think, and the stars.


	4. Chapter 4

I remember dying.

And then I was back on that Godforsaken planet. I watched the wormhole, shimmering slightly before it made that sound like a water tunnel, and vanished. I turned back, really confused now. The DHD was there, Daniel was several steps ahead and T'ealc was near him, though, as I watched both turned. T'ealc looking as confused as a stoic Jaffa can.

Carter's next to me, and I feel her hand grip my arm as she spins me toward her. She reaches out, running her hands down my chest, over my shoulder, a shocked look in her eyes. I'd normally appreciate the contact, espcially from a leggy blonde like Sam, hey I'm human! But right now I'm more conerned with why I'm not floating above some cloud with and stuff, or being barbequed slowly over a bonfire.

All thoughts flee though when she grabs me and pulls em into a fierce hug. I feel her shake slightly, and I put one hand on her back. "Easy Sam." Hearing my voice she pulls away, looking up at me.

"Wow. I thought you... we... were all dead. But you're... It's amazing"

"It's confusing is what it is."

"Wait a sec. Didn't I die?" That was from Danny. That man can speak dozens of unknown languages and can tell hundreds of cultures from the next. He knows more mythology than an entire history department, and he's still a few seconds behind at times.

"Yeah... me too," I say vaguely, aware Sam still has a grip on my arms.

T'ealc simply stands there, looking puzzled, and finally states with duely considered precision."As was I."

"So... we're back at the Stargate again? Did we imagine it?"

"I don't think so sir." Carter's coming round now, and she releases her death grip on my jacket. "We all seem to agree on what happened. I saw you shot in the chest and shoulder..."

"Yeah..."

"...and Daniel's still rubbing his throat. That would indicate he was shot there, exactly as I saw him. I don't think we're imagining this Colonel."

This is all feeling vaguely familiar and a sense of dread hangs over me. I've done this before, but this time seems a whole hell of a lot worse, and I'm not keen on being shot every few hours for three months or so until someone figures out a way to break this again. So, ultimately we decide to find the device causing this, if it is a timeloop, and shut it down. With a little luck, it won't have a nutter at the helm like last time.

"Let's move out then kids." So we do, in search of a desperate man and an artifact, we think.

I didn't even see them, let alone their weapons. I felt the heat and wind of the shot as it flew past me, burying itself in Carter's chest. The impact made her fly backwards, and she landed in a clump of bushes, the charred hole mixing shreds of her fatigues with her blood. I half ran backwards, weapon raised. Daniel and T'ealc took up flanking positions automatically, guns raised, scannign the bushes as I dropped next to Sam. If this was a timeloop, it wasn't happening the same the second time around.

She was concious, her eyes wide and bright with the pain. Another wave must have ripped through her, for she arched her back, gasping for air as I pinned her arms down, trying to make her keep still.

"Lay still Carter!"

"Col... Jack, Jack..." Her voice was high and breathless and I realised she was near the end. A trickle of dark liquid ran from the corner of her mouth and her eyes began to glaze.

"No dammit. Hang in there Sam. _Sam_!" I called her name, but it didn't make a damn bit of difference. Her eyes began to lose their light, like an old tv shutting down slowly.

"..."

I didn't hear her. Her last breath crossed her lips, and I didn't even hear what she wanted to say. the last spark winked out of her cerulean blue eyes, leaving her staring vacantly at me, through me. She was gone and I wanted to kill someone for it. I'm not proud of that, now I think about it, but at the time her death tore me up so bad inside I couldn't think straight.

I barely remember the next few minutes as the firing started again. I saw my own bullets take down three, as Daniel fell beside me. T'ealc took a hit to the leg, and I watched fall to his knees as he kept firing. The repetitive sounds of my own weapon sounded in my ears, and the foliage ahead exploded as bullet after bullet impacted, showering the vicinity with torn leaves and bark. A burning started in my shoulder as I saw another go down by my hands. Then the world began to darken...

When we found ourselves back on those stone steps, Sam was alive again and my knees nearly gave out on me with relief.

We sat around the coffee table. The quiet grey room perfect matching the dismal mood of my team. T'ealc stared off into space, as did Sam. Daniel was slumped in his chair, and I knew what he was thinking, He had asked for a team to be sent to that planet. He thought the co-ordinates were for the same planet he had found mentioned in some ancient text or another. So, he blamed himself. I sat, listening to the dull metallic sounds of the base activity outside and waited for soeone to speak.

it didn't take long. Sam was the first, and she tried to apologise. I knew why, she had watched me die several times over, my chest blown open by a blast of orange light, she wanted to check that I was alive, and whole. In some teams I suppose that would be conduct unbecoming, the way she acted. But I had done damn near the same thing when I saw her torn open by those weapons, if I had decent knees, I probably would have. My team was different, we were different. She knew it, but we felt the need to have something to say.

Daniel joined in after a moment, trying to apologise, but I shut him up. It wasn't his fault, he wasn't to know. I felt a brief flash of anger at myself. There was a time back there when i did blame him. I remember grabbing him by his jacket and screaming at him, he hadn't really reacted at all. I think he was in shock at that point; especially after what he saw happen to Sam and T'ealc. We got away that time, him and me. And, though I desperately wanted the nightmare to end, I wished for one last loop, one last chance, to save my team and get them off that damn planet.

I'm not sure I could have taken it if it had all ended there. As it turned out though, it didn't, nor was there any danger of such. The repeats continued until we left the planet; no doubt by now Carter's working on a way to break the cycle, preferably by not going back there. If she has too, then we'll all go. But I hope to God she finds another way first!

I smile then as I lean next to her on my wooden porch, the smell of barbecued meat filling the air. Only Sam could get blasted by the natives on that planet, and die several times over, and still want to help them. Ok, maybe Daniel too. Sometimes I admire their ideals, other ties its a pain in the proverbial.

I grin as I turn to her, clinking our bottles of beer together, then raising mine in a return salute to Daniel. I think I might my telescope out later, sit on the roof and watch the stars disappear one by one as the dawn rises. T'ealc stands straight, not quite having gotten the trick of relaxing with a few beers and your mates. My side is warm where I stand next to Sam, and Danny smiles at us, before returning to his contemplation of the sky where the barbecue smoke rises silently into the stars.


End file.
